The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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