I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
40s are totally the cure
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
