Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
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