She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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