her body is proportioned like a family guy character
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Come on in and take your pants off
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