...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
