Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
