happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
