happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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