My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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