I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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