My liver just broke up with me...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Im part way to drunk.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
