I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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