good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
