I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
