Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
