there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
