Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
