So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
