I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
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