so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
