we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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