This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
