Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
