i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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