I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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