Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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