just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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