What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
