Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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