I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
