Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
