i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
