Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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