I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
