My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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