hotel room ftw
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
