thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
