my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
