it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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