I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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