so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
