3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
