have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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