I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
