Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My vagina just clenched in fear
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
