Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
