Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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