Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
