in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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