I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
