Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
