Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
