So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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